standvastig | Abraxas Inbox

[Jasper settles into his seat and slides his spoon into his stew. His burdens are set aside while he ingestes rich beef stock with peas and potato. The burden of confession is drowned and carried away with flavour and a feeling of fullness. Emptiness lightened by the company he keeps much as what he eats.

Hendrik makes eating look simple. He speaks like words are painless and acts like living is a breeze. But he knows now not to believe that delusion.]

To express my regrets.

[To apologise for the other night.]

It was the wrong decision to reject your solemn expression of kindness.

[His spoon hovers before he catches what he is doing and sets it down. The apology, even presented this way and not more blatantly, is unexpected. He furrows his brow at Jasper as words finally form.]

You were dwelling on that?

[He can't deny that he had contemplated his disappointment in Jasper not taking his offered hand, considering his conflicted feelings over what had happened in Erdrea. Being disappointed seemed like a surreal underreaction.]

I will admit, I wanted to say something at the time. Snap at you for your behavior, perhaps.

[He shakes his head slightly as he reminisces.]

It matters little now.

[Hendrik speaks of how little old desires matter. He cannot discount his old friend's emotions a second time and finds himself unwilling to argue otherwise. He would only repeat old behaviours, prove himself unwilling to learn and more disgracefully prove himself a liar.

His eyes close in concentration. Emotions have simmered down on both sides; there is little worry for the present. His low murmur of agreement is proof enough he is learning - and when he speaks he chooses to address why little matters now.]

We are a long way from home, are we not?

[The change of subject is a bit abrupt considering Hendrik is just starting to settle into Jasper sitting next to him, and he taps his index finger on his spoon in thought.]

Was that what you wanted to talk about? Home?

[He at least acknowledges inwardly that Jasper led with the apology. This talk about home, though? Where was he that entire time Heliodor was suffering?]

[Jasper immediately shakes his head; a slow movement left and right that comes to an immediate halt. He had not thought Hendrik could mistake his words. It offers him another fact to ponder as he stirs his casserole.]

No. I understand I lost that right.

[He settles his mood with food before laying his spoon against the bowl.]

I would offer my thoughts should you require but my intentions were to discuss this land. Have you learned more than the facts our hosts shared regarding our presence here?

Ah. I see.

[He relaxes somewhat as Jasper explains his thoughts, though he does suppress a sigh at that mention of "losing that right." He knows that he said that, and that he meant it in his anger, but it still makes him grimace to associate someone he has known (to some extent) for the majority of his life with such atrocities.]

I have not been hunting for unspoken information, if that is what you are asking.

Edited 2022-02-11 23:58 (UTC)

[Jasper is uncomfortably aware that discussion of war and fraught diplomacy will touch upon issues of home. He takes a moment to indulge in wrinkling his nose; choosing to discuss the matter to a bearable extent. War itself is a difficult subject but their history complicates matters.]

Perhaps we ought? Our hosts will beseech us to reciprocate their generosity. I would rather understand what we are fighting for, wouldn't you?

[He would rather not lose the only man who matters to some unrelated war.]

I am aware of that much, at least.

[Though Hendrik's comment is dry, he tempers it by once again poking at his food. What good would it be to remain completely ignorant to the happenings of this world, especially when they were the reason they were dragged from their world to begin with?]

It would be folly to believe everything they say, given they control everything we have within reach.

[Hendrik prods his meal and Jasper watches without comment. His concerns turn inward as he considers the hypocrisy of being worried his old friend might be manipulated. The discomfort of the thought prompts him to stir his food.]

Indeed. I expect there is plenty to learn by word of mouth. We are hardly the only men curious about our circumstances.

There are others who have come before us, for that matter. Others who are, more or less, conscripted to whatever is going on here.

[Despite what may be a suspicious topic in the midst of their hosts, Hendrik does not lower his voice anymore than it already is. This wariness should be well understood.]

[Not only well understood but anticipated. There is no visible oppression of discussion, no eager ear listening in. Better to permit debate within a small window than to ban it outright and cause resentment. He can appreciate the cunning and duplicity if not enjoy it turned against him.]

You would question our little community?

[He hears that wariness between the line. His companion's fatigue from being lied to and used for so long to further a cause that ran against his entire being. He does not raise the matter to assuage his own guilty ego.]

There does not seem to be anything little about this community.

[Even without leaving the grounds of the castle proper, he is under the impression there is a vastness to Thorne's presence. Whether or not that is actually true will have to be tested, but the people of the castle certainly give an impression of some measure of wealth and power.]

And you? I doubt you came here to listen to me prattle on about half-thought suspicions.

[Jasper slides his spoon into his mouth, chewing beef to ignore the urge to talk, upset to be reminded of why he is sitting here. His urge to apologise to a friend who offered concern and compassion when he was breathing his last. His thoughts loosen. His head shakes. Not this man. Not this moment in time. His eyes squeeze together and he disengages from his meal.

This difficult topic threatens to derail what has been a good start to the evening. He grimaces even as he offers a heartfelt answer.]

No, I came to apologise.

[For the other night.]

It is not upon you to answer but I wanted to endeavour to understand you better.

[This expanded admission is worth a look. Sitting beside one another, it is even closer than when they were sitting across in the garden, and it is all the more clear that Jasper is troubled. His doubts about how real any of this is fade a little more.]

Perhaps then you would not make such decisions for me.

[The comment - one he hears not for the first time - elicits no confusion nor frustrated sigh. Jasper permits his silence to last only moments before returning his hands into the safety of his lap.]

Hendrik, I hardly seek to guide you. I only attempt to convey that whether you answer is your choice alone.

Only.

[On that matter, he is not convinced. He thinks back to what Jasper had said those few days ago. "Cease troubling yourself."]

As you will. I will not stop you.

[Jasper speaks like he believes his change of heart - weighing like a feather within his chest - but cannot confess his attempt to shape responses to his desire. He runs a hand through his fringe and hunches over as manipulation remains his second skin.]

You are perfectly kind. I did not expect such mercy.

[He reaches across the table with an unfurled hand, moving it beneath Hendrik's nose. His subconscious mind looking for friendship.]

[Even as he hears Jasper's reaction, Hendrik has to lean his head back as a hand comes rather close to his face. He raises a brow at the other man, then sets aside his silverware to take his hand. As it is, it's a little awkward to call a handshake, but if he adjusts his grip, he can curls his fingers atop Jasper's hand in more of a clasp.]

You will still owe me explanations in the future.

They will come in time.

[The promise of resolution hangs on the tip of his tongue. His statement is a positive acknowledgement: an open agreement to at least make better attempts. Eyes glance down at their hands - a promise of further understanding is good motivation.]

I am pleased you consented I join you. This world is replete with strangers; it does one good to see a familiar face.

[Familiar not friendly. Their relationship has become more complicated since when they were boys.]

[Hendrik finds some assurance in Jasper's words, though he reminds himself that he is currently clasping hands with a man who did not show his face in Heliodor in the weeks following the Fall. It's a sobering thought, especially if he allows himself to think deeply about the long-term repercussions of the World Tree's demise.]

I admit that it is a relief to know someone here. Even if we will not agree on everything, I believe we can agree that we do not belong in this world.

[Jasper hesitates to answer for a second - enough of a while for suspicions to creep in. This statement he would approve wholeheartly were it not for his departure from that same world. His body had dissoled into nothing and his spirit had awoken here.

He looks towards his stew. The smell of food no longer appeals. Greater reward lies in his dining companion; for whom he does not wish to hide the truth and speaks freely.]

I am uncertain I belong anywhere, honestly.

Edited 2022-02-13 00:23 (UTC)

Unsurprising.

[The word is out of his mouth before he's even given it proper thought, and he sighs inwardly. He could certainly be more tactful. He loosens his grip and sits properly in his seat once again, finally allowing himself to follow up.]

A person who loved his homeland would have difficulty doing what you did.

[He doesn't bother asking why at this point. He cannot pry reasons from Jasper's lips.]

[Hands part but his searches for a companion: the same palm that had offered shelter and protection. His fingers slide out from beneath. His mind counts two seconds - it takes little time for him to mirror the hold Hendrik had claimed. Fingers curl in reluctance but grace across his old friend's hand.]

I believed my homeland abandoned me.

[This explanation of his actions - his innermost thoughts - is one of many he owes this man.]

You cannot comprehend how easy it is to betray someone, Hendrik. Before I knew it, I found treachery as simple as breathing.

No. I cannot. That is why I was-- I am-- angry at you.

[It takes effort not to grimace and glare, even if he has no particular target when he averts his gaze to the tabletop. Believing his homeland abandoned him? How? The very idea of that is unfathomable to a man who sees just joy and beauty in the Kingdom of Heliodor.]

What am I to think when a monster, the Lord of Shadows, steps out of His Majesty's body and you kneel at his feet? A horrible picture with no context or explanation, even now.

[And yet, he cannot deny how he mourned in the aftermath. How we stared at his pendant in the dark of his tent and wondered what went wrong.]

[The frustration is obvious; a collection of minute gestures that serve to avoid yet pressure him at every turn. Hendrik does not understand? Not even now after his admittance of being forsaken by his country? His anger at being abandoned by friends and family whom he had offered everything? Madness would have overcome him at one time but his loss of life has stolen his ability to feel anything. His mind is split on the issue. Should an emotionless man feel guilt?

What should he think of his rage and anger? Delusions built upon the back of insanity.

Lips part to talk but he cannot speak above a whisper.]

You were his favoured son.

[His hand weakly pulls away.]

I was nobody.

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