Abraxas Inbox

[standvastig]

Should any wish to communicate, the opportunity is open. The door has yet to close.

Comments

[leitstern]

[Hendrik prods his meal and Jasper watches without comment. His concerns turn inward as he considers the hypocrisy of being worried his old friend might be manipulated. The discomfort of the thought prompts him to stir his food.]

Indeed. I expect there is plenty to learn by word of mouth. We are hardly the only men curious about our circumstances.

[standvastig]

There are others who have come before us, for that matter. Others who are, more or less, conscripted to whatever is going on here.

[Despite what may be a suspicious topic in the midst of their hosts, Hendrik does not lower his voice anymore than it already is. This wariness should be well understood.]

[leitstern]

[Not only well understood but anticipated. There is no visible oppression of discussion, no eager ear listening in. Better to permit debate within a small window than to ban it outright and cause resentment. He can appreciate the cunning and duplicity if not enjoy it turned against him.]

You would question our little community?

[He hears that wariness between the line. His companion's fatigue from being lied to and used for so long to further a cause that ran against his entire being. He does not raise the matter to assuage his own guilty ego.]

[standvastig]

There does not seem to be anything little about this community.

[Even without leaving the grounds of the castle proper, he is under the impression there is a vastness to Thorne's presence. Whether or not that is actually true will have to be tested, but the people of the castle certainly give an impression of some measure of wealth and power.]

And you? I doubt you came here to listen to me prattle on about half-thought suspicions.

[leitstern]

[Jasper slides his spoon into his mouth, chewing beef to ignore the urge to talk, upset to be reminded of why he is sitting here. His urge to apologise to a friend who offered concern and compassion when he was breathing his last. His thoughts loosen. His head shakes. Not this man. Not this moment in time. His eyes squeeze together and he disengages from his meal.

This difficult topic threatens to derail what has been a good start to the evening. He grimaces even as he offers a heartfelt answer.]

No, I came to apologise.

[For the other night.]

It is not upon you to answer but I wanted to endeavour to understand you better.

[standvastig]

[This expanded admission is worth a look. Sitting beside one another, it is even closer than when they were sitting across in the garden, and it is all the more clear that Jasper is troubled. His doubts about how real any of this is fade a little more.]

Perhaps then you would not make such decisions for me.

[leitstern]

[The comment - one he hears not for the first time - elicits no confusion nor frustrated sigh. Jasper permits his silence to last only moments before returning his hands into the safety of his lap.]

Hendrik, I hardly seek to guide you. I only attempt to convey that whether you answer is your choice alone.

[standvastig]

Only.

[On that matter, he is not convinced. He thinks back to what Jasper had said those few days ago. "Cease troubling yourself."]

As you will. I will not stop you.

[leitstern]

[Jasper speaks like he believes his change of heart - weighing like a feather within his chest - but cannot confess his attempt to shape responses to his desire. He runs a hand through his fringe and hunches over as manipulation remains his second skin.]

You are perfectly kind. I did not expect such mercy.

[He reaches across the table with an unfurled hand, moving it beneath Hendrik's nose. His subconscious mind looking for friendship.]

[standvastig]

[Even as he hears Jasper's reaction, Hendrik has to lean his head back as a hand comes rather close to his face. He raises a brow at the other man, then sets aside his silverware to take his hand. As it is, it's a little awkward to call a handshake, but if he adjusts his grip, he can curls his fingers atop Jasper's hand in more of a clasp.]

You will still owe me explanations in the future.

[leitstern]

They will come in time.

[The promise of resolution hangs on the tip of his tongue. His statement is a positive acknowledgement: an open agreement to at least make better attempts. Eyes glance down at their hands - a promise of further understanding is good motivation.]

I am pleased you consented I join you. This world is replete with strangers; it does one good to see a familiar face.

[Familiar not friendly. Their relationship has become more complicated since when they were boys.]

[standvastig]

[Hendrik finds some assurance in Jasper's words, though he reminds himself that he is currently clasping hands with a man who did not show his face in Heliodor in the weeks following the Fall. It's a sobering thought, especially if he allows himself to think deeply about the long-term repercussions of the World Tree's demise.]

I admit that it is a relief to know someone here. Even if we will not agree on everything, I believe we can agree that we do not belong in this world.

[leitstern]

[Jasper hesitates to answer for a second - enough of a while for suspicions to creep in. This statement he would approve wholeheartly were it not for his departure from that same world. His body had dissoled into nothing and his spirit had awoken here.

He looks towards his stew. The smell of food no longer appeals. Greater reward lies in his dining companion; for whom he does not wish to hide the truth and speaks freely.]

I am uncertain I belong anywhere, honestly.

[standvastig]

Unsurprising.

[The word is out of his mouth before he's even given it proper thought, and he sighs inwardly. He could certainly be more tactful. He loosens his grip and sits properly in his seat once again, finally allowing himself to follow up.]

A person who loved his homeland would have difficulty doing what you did.

[He doesn't bother asking why at this point. He cannot pry reasons from Jasper's lips.]

[leitstern]

[Hands part but his searches for a companion: the same palm that had offered shelter and protection. His fingers slide out from beneath. His mind counts two seconds - it takes little time for him to mirror the hold Hendrik had claimed. Fingers curl in reluctance but grace across his old friend's hand.]

I believed my homeland abandoned me.

[This explanation of his actions - his innermost thoughts - is one of many he owes this man.]

You cannot comprehend how easy it is to betray someone, Hendrik. Before I knew it, I found treachery as simple as breathing.

[standvastig]

No. I cannot. That is why I was-- I am-- angry at you.

[It takes effort not to grimace and glare, even if he has no particular target when he averts his gaze to the tabletop. Believing his homeland abandoned him? How? The very idea of that is unfathomable to a man who sees just joy and beauty in the Kingdom of Heliodor.]

What am I to think when a monster, the Lord of Shadows, steps out of His Majesty's body and you kneel at his feet? A horrible picture with no context or explanation, even now.

[And yet, he cannot deny how he mourned in the aftermath. How we stared at his pendant in the dark of his tent and wondered what went wrong.]

[leitstern]

[The frustration is obvious; a collection of minute gestures that serve to avoid yet pressure him at every turn. Hendrik does not understand? Not even now after his admittance of being forsaken by his country? His anger at being abandoned by friends and family whom he had offered everything? Madness would have overcome him at one time but his loss of life has stolen his ability to feel anything. His mind is split on the issue. Should an emotionless man feel guilt?

What should he think of his rage and anger? Delusions built upon the back of insanity.

Lips part to talk but he cannot speak above a whisper.]

You were his favoured son.

[His hand weakly pulls away.]

I was nobody.

[standvastig]

[Silence. As Hendrik feels Jasper's hand retreat, he lets his own hand come to rest on the table. What is he to say to that? His instinct is to shake his head and say that Jasper could not possibly be more wrong, but it does not fit the way his anger roils inside him. The anger he holds for present-day Jasper's mistakes makes no sense applied to what seems like something ... deeper. Something that has been festering.

After a moment's thought, he presses both hands flat on the tabletop, moving to stand up.]

Come. Let us leave. I daresay neither of us will be eating much at the moment.

[leitstern]

[Jasper looks as deflated and dejected as Hendrik seems despondent. His elbow collides with the table; his forehead leaning against his palm. Fingers and thumb exert pressure on his skull. He barely notices the dull pain.

It takes a moment to find his senses. He lowers his hand and stares at his palm; eyes soon turning towards his old friend in the hope he may help him find a turning point.]

No. Too late for dinner, I suppose.

[standvastig]

There is food at all hours. We need only clear the air and I believe we will be back here again.

[Perhaps a bit too optimistic, but it allows Hendrik to keep the focus off of the previous topic for now. He leads the way out of the dining hall, passing servants and scholars along the way until they enter the corridor.]

Would you like to head outside?

[They could probably find a balcony or an alcove, but he wants to get Jasper actively thinking of something else for a moment. Distracted.]

[leitstern]

[In between hiding in his qurters and hanging out in the town, Jasper finds himself facing unwanted choices. Fingers tap the table. He leans forward and pinches his nose. He loses himself between curiosity and anxiety - but finds focus in how his old friend keeps his anger under lock and key.]

It seems too late to hit the town.

[The night is young but spending time as friends hardly seems right.]

Better we just return to our quarters.

[standvastig]

[Hendrik hums faintly at Jasper's decision. He isn't about to go against his wishes on this matter, but he had wanted to discuss somewhere relatively private. Others could be in their shared rooms.]

Very well.

[He proceeds to start down the corridor to the Summoned's wing, pondering what else to say.]

I would have never thought that you believed that. That I was favored by His Majesty. That you were somehow not.

[leitstern]

[Jasper holds his tongue and listens until others sound out of earshot. Hendrik is oblivious and without a shred of guile. Can he blame his foolish old friend for the calamity that befell the world? He closes his eyes and rubs one in the corner with the tip of his finger. No, he cannot. He can only accuse him of being so blind.

Frightened to touch a sensitive issue, fearing the end of an uneasy peace, he leaves those words hanging upon the air.]

Somehow?

[The world shrivels upon his tongue - his mind finding it bitterly sour.]

I would have expected my oldest friend would notice me being forced aside.

[standvastig]

I cannot say that I saw anything amiss. I was kept busy with my duties and told that you were similarly busy.

[And that never ceased to stop being true, as far as he can recall. They were constantly busy, whether it be with campaigns or meetings or training or some form of ceremony or festival that had to be attended. There is a reason why his closest companion is his horse.]

It would behoove you to know what I have seen and heard since the Fall. What His Majesty has had to say of you.

[Perhaps it would be best to leave the hallways before he says anything, though. He keeps an eye out for somewhere to divert them to from their current path.]

[leitstern]

[The conversation turns towards private affairs - and he notices his companion searching for an appropiate setting for their discussion. It provokes his nerves and prompts his hands to slide into pockets hidden beneath his robe. The words his adoptive father had shared - they bother him yet had never bothered him at all.

He feels the invisible weight of his pendant, a figurative stone around his neck. It reminds him he believes wrong. There is a reason he kept it close. Some reason Hendrik calls upon his sense of duty. Not that he anticipates much Only a foolish man would expect kindness.]

How so?

[It is an invitation for Hendrik to continue.]