standvastig | Abraxas Inbox

Only.

[On that matter, he is not convinced. He thinks back to what Jasper had said those few days ago. "Cease troubling yourself."]

As you will. I will not stop you.

[Jasper speaks like he believes his change of heart - weighing like a feather within his chest - but cannot confess his attempt to shape responses to his desire. He runs a hand through his fringe and hunches over as manipulation remains his second skin.]

You are perfectly kind. I did not expect such mercy.

[He reaches across the table with an unfurled hand, moving it beneath Hendrik's nose. His subconscious mind looking for friendship.]

[Even as he hears Jasper's reaction, Hendrik has to lean his head back as a hand comes rather close to his face. He raises a brow at the other man, then sets aside his silverware to take his hand. As it is, it's a little awkward to call a handshake, but if he adjusts his grip, he can curls his fingers atop Jasper's hand in more of a clasp.]

You will still owe me explanations in the future.

They will come in time.

[The promise of resolution hangs on the tip of his tongue. His statement is a positive acknowledgement: an open agreement to at least make better attempts. Eyes glance down at their hands - a promise of further understanding is good motivation.]

I am pleased you consented I join you. This world is replete with strangers; it does one good to see a familiar face.

[Familiar not friendly. Their relationship has become more complicated since when they were boys.]

[Hendrik finds some assurance in Jasper's words, though he reminds himself that he is currently clasping hands with a man who did not show his face in Heliodor in the weeks following the Fall. It's a sobering thought, especially if he allows himself to think deeply about the long-term repercussions of the World Tree's demise.]

I admit that it is a relief to know someone here. Even if we will not agree on everything, I believe we can agree that we do not belong in this world.

[Jasper hesitates to answer for a second - enough of a while for suspicions to creep in. This statement he would approve wholeheartly were it not for his departure from that same world. His body had dissoled into nothing and his spirit had awoken here.

He looks towards his stew. The smell of food no longer appeals. Greater reward lies in his dining companion; for whom he does not wish to hide the truth and speaks freely.]

I am uncertain I belong anywhere, honestly.

Edited 2022-02-13 00:23 (UTC)

Unsurprising.

[The word is out of his mouth before he's even given it proper thought, and he sighs inwardly. He could certainly be more tactful. He loosens his grip and sits properly in his seat once again, finally allowing himself to follow up.]

A person who loved his homeland would have difficulty doing what you did.

[He doesn't bother asking why at this point. He cannot pry reasons from Jasper's lips.]

[Hands part but his searches for a companion: the same palm that had offered shelter and protection. His fingers slide out from beneath. His mind counts two seconds - it takes little time for him to mirror the hold Hendrik had claimed. Fingers curl in reluctance but grace across his old friend's hand.]

I believed my homeland abandoned me.

[This explanation of his actions - his innermost thoughts - is one of many he owes this man.]

You cannot comprehend how easy it is to betray someone, Hendrik. Before I knew it, I found treachery as simple as breathing.

No. I cannot. That is why I was-- I am-- angry at you.

[It takes effort not to grimace and glare, even if he has no particular target when he averts his gaze to the tabletop. Believing his homeland abandoned him? How? The very idea of that is unfathomable to a man who sees just joy and beauty in the Kingdom of Heliodor.]

What am I to think when a monster, the Lord of Shadows, steps out of His Majesty's body and you kneel at his feet? A horrible picture with no context or explanation, even now.

[And yet, he cannot deny how he mourned in the aftermath. How we stared at his pendant in the dark of his tent and wondered what went wrong.]

[The frustration is obvious; a collection of minute gestures that serve to avoid yet pressure him at every turn. Hendrik does not understand? Not even now after his admittance of being forsaken by his country? His anger at being abandoned by friends and family whom he had offered everything? Madness would have overcome him at one time but his loss of life has stolen his ability to feel anything. His mind is split on the issue. Should an emotionless man feel guilt?

What should he think of his rage and anger? Delusions built upon the back of insanity.

Lips part to talk but he cannot speak above a whisper.]

You were his favoured son.

[His hand weakly pulls away.]

I was nobody.

[Silence. As Hendrik feels Jasper's hand retreat, he lets his own hand come to rest on the table. What is he to say to that? His instinct is to shake his head and say that Jasper could not possibly be more wrong, but it does not fit the way his anger roils inside him. The anger he holds for present-day Jasper's mistakes makes no sense applied to what seems like something ... deeper. Something that has been festering.

After a moment's thought, he presses both hands flat on the tabletop, moving to stand up.]

Come. Let us leave. I daresay neither of us will be eating much at the moment.

[Jasper looks as deflated and dejected as Hendrik seems despondent. His elbow collides with the table; his forehead leaning against his palm. Fingers and thumb exert pressure on his skull. He barely notices the dull pain.

It takes a moment to find his senses. He lowers his hand and stares at his palm; eyes soon turning towards his old friend in the hope he may help him find a turning point.]

No. Too late for dinner, I suppose.

Edited 2022-02-13 08:40 (UTC)

There is food at all hours. We need only clear the air and I believe we will be back here again.

[Perhaps a bit too optimistic, but it allows Hendrik to keep the focus off of the previous topic for now. He leads the way out of the dining hall, passing servants and scholars along the way until they enter the corridor.]

Would you like to head outside?

[They could probably find a balcony or an alcove, but he wants to get Jasper actively thinking of something else for a moment. Distracted.]

[In between hiding in his qurters and hanging out in the town, Jasper finds himself facing unwanted choices. Fingers tap the table. He leans forward and pinches his nose. He loses himself between curiosity and anxiety - but finds focus in how his old friend keeps his anger under lock and key.]

It seems too late to hit the town.

[The night is young but spending time as friends hardly seems right.]

Better we just return to our quarters.

[Hendrik hums faintly at Jasper's decision. He isn't about to go against his wishes on this matter, but he had wanted to discuss somewhere relatively private. Others could be in their shared rooms.]

Very well.

[He proceeds to start down the corridor to the Summoned's wing, pondering what else to say.]

I would have never thought that you believed that. That I was favored by His Majesty. That you were somehow not.

[Jasper holds his tongue and listens until others sound out of earshot. Hendrik is oblivious and without a shred of guile. Can he blame his foolish old friend for the calamity that befell the world? He closes his eyes and rubs one in the corner with the tip of his finger. No, he cannot. He can only accuse him of being so blind.

Frightened to touch a sensitive issue, fearing the end of an uneasy peace, he leaves those words hanging upon the air.]

Somehow?

[The world shrivels upon his tongue - his mind finding it bitterly sour.]

I would have expected my oldest friend would notice me being forced aside.

I cannot say that I saw anything amiss. I was kept busy with my duties and told that you were similarly busy.

[And that never ceased to stop being true, as far as he can recall. They were constantly busy, whether it be with campaigns or meetings or training or some form of ceremony or festival that had to be attended. There is a reason why his closest companion is his horse.]

It would behoove you to know what I have seen and heard since the Fall. What His Majesty has had to say of you.

[Perhaps it would be best to leave the hallways before he says anything, though. He keeps an eye out for somewhere to divert them to from their current path.]

[The conversation turns towards private affairs - and he notices his companion searching for an appropiate setting for their discussion. It provokes his nerves and prompts his hands to slide into pockets hidden beneath his robe. The words his adoptive father had shared - they bother him yet had never bothered him at all.

He feels the invisible weight of his pendant, a figurative stone around his neck. It reminds him he believes wrong. There is a reason he kept it close. Some reason Hendrik calls upon his sense of duty. Not that he anticipates much Only a foolish man would expect kindness.]

How so?

[It is an invitation for Hendrik to continue.]

[Even when he is now prompted to talk, Hendrik focuses on finding somewhere to stop in the castle. He finally chooses one of the castle's balconies, stepping out to a cool evening breeze that and an empty spot where they can speak more freely. (Not that he has not been speaking his mind rather plainly thus far.)]

Perhaps it is better to phrase it as what His Majesty has not had to say of you.

[While that may sound ominous by itself, Hendrik only pauses briefly before continuing.]

His Majesty had to be informed of everything that occurred prior to us awakening after the events in the heart of the World Tree. I, of course, told him of you and your change of allegiance.

[He sighs. To say King Carnelian's decision made him uncomfortable was an understatement.]

He told no one. None of the people of Heliodor know of your betrayal.

[Jasper has nothing to declare. What might he say? Why mention anything? He looks aside towards the castle town and finds himself reminded of nights spent watching the sunset back home. Nothing is a better memory - except he cannot stand the sight. His gaze turns towards the floor in thoughtful shame.

It means nobody knows about his anger; his loneliness of rejection hidden away because it might upset others. The decision makes him pause. He wrinkles his nose and directs his gaze back towards the horizon. He turns his focus upon Hendrik after a moment. He watches him sigh and fails to share his own discomfort. Believing he was a disappointment is simple. It helps him focus on the logical reasons for that decision to hide his crimes.

The decision was emotional and pragmatic. It reveals his importance was more than he believed - and that is the most difficult reason to accept out of all.]

I expect you hardly understand why.

[He pauses for a moment to process emotions and face consequences.]

It must have been difficult to accept the deception.

[They hold very different ideas of what saving face means.]

[He doesn't know what he had expected in response to his "revelation," but it is a relief that Jasper does not find reason for immediate upset with his words. He walks to the balcony railing, somewhat unsettled as he compares the peaceful night of Thorne with the unnatural darkness that befell Heliodor.

It takes a moment to refocus on their conversation.]

I do not particularly want to assume anything with His Majesty's thoughts. I know it is something that he did not decide upon as soon as I told him.

[It is strange to hear Jasper empathize on the matter, considering how he has reacted in the past. But he appreciates the gesture.]

Staying silent is something I have become remarkably adept at.

[A second of self-deprecation.]

However, I can see the wisdom of His Majesty's decision. The people hold out hope that you are alive.

[The opinion he shares is a curious one: analytical and cold in observing the situation. He finds his anger for being treated as though his betrayal matters not - raw and warm and hot - but feels little little after what happened upon the bridge.

He turns his gaze towards the last signs of sunlight. Shows his back to his old friend and reflets on his last words. He desires to claim people should not cling onto something impossible to find. He grits his teeth, tenses his body and exhales loudly.

There is nothing but silence for half a minute.]

If His Majesty had any sense of the situation he would have realised that was the wrong decision to make.

[His tone is fucious but not towards others.]

Perhaps.

[In the past, he would have been appalled by the thought of dissenting with the king's decision, but experience has proven that he should not think such decisions infallible. Even if he does trust that King Carnelian acts without the influence of Mordegon, there is more to take into consideration there.]

His last memories of you are of a man sixteen years younger. He knows nothing of who you currently are.

[Time drags on. Two seconds. Three. Ten. Twenty sees him reach the limits of his patience - his confusion becoming visible. His eyes narrow. His shoulders roll in discomfort. His brow furrows and his mind struggles to accept a thought floating around in the farthest reaches.

If Carnelian has no memory of him for twenty years, then...

His fists clench while feet spread in a wide stance. He cannot accept this! He cannot accept dying for nothing.]

That is most convenient.

[For himself well as the man in question. His tone, however, is hardly accusing.]

Am I to believe he speaks the truth?

Convenient?

[Surprise and agitation start slipping into his tone before he reins in his feelings. Hands curl into fists. He's trying to be calm about all of this.]

...You are free to believe what you wish, Jasper. I can only speak to what I have seen and heard. And one of the first things His Majesty asked when he awoke was if Princess Jade had been found.

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