standvastig | Abraxas Inbox

[Jasper fills his morning with disciplined study; buried amongst a collection of books purloined from the library. Scrutiny turns away from unfamiliar faces towards words upon a page. Strangers who know nothing of his crimes and choose to say hello. He peeks and peers at every man around but departs with finger twining his hair.

New connections. Old desires. He holds his breath as though hoping today he can wish for friends again. He meanders through corridors and seeks solitude in a nearby courtyard - shielding his eyes as he emerges into a familiar garden. A hothouse filled with crimson camellias climbing up trellises and walls. He looks towards the glass skylight through which beats the sun.

Then he looks towards the other man enjoys the sights and smells. Oh.

His lips twitch but his face is neither unpleasant nor welcoming. Thoughts churn with conflicting emotions and though he wants to flee his feelings root him to the spot.]

[It was difficult to discern seasons in the dark that had fallen Heliodor, but that does not seem to be an issue in this new place. While he has not had the best of track records with asking questions, Hendrik is rankled enough by his situation to do what exploring he can and ask questions of those who are not too annoyed by strangers ("Summoned") interrupting their day with questions.

A filling breakfast, combined with the surprising warmth of the indoor garden, has Hendrik drowsy within minutes of sitting down under a sunbeam. He tries to keep himself awake with thoughts of what to do with his day -- namely thinking of some changes of clothes, as sandals are certainly not normal for him -- but that is failing fast.

That is, until he hears creaking door hinges and sees a familiar someone slip into the garden. It takes him a long moment to acknowledge him through a haze, his tone dry but not hostile.]

Jasper.

[Apathetic. Hendrik's voice withers on the proverbial vine - wilting his expression as he worries about appropriate ways to act in this new kingdom. He cannot fit amongst human society as his old friend might. The divide only seems to extend mile by mile with every hour.

He does not speak for a moment. One hand slides under his fringe and twines his hair around his fingers. What can he say?]

Indulging in the peace?

[It is hard to rest with the weight of the world upon your shoulders. But he is the cause of this frustration.]

[Hendrik is still drowsy as he hears Jasper's question, leading to another bout of silence as he tilts his head and stretches his neck. He slowly sits up, watching the other man's movements more than he usually would.

Nervous? Uncomfortable? Hm.]

Resting as I have not in awhile.

[Jasper stands in silence; like his peers enduring punishment from their instructor for neglecting their studies. He possesses no evidence of which man lived or died after the fall of their kingdom. There is no means of understanding. His eyes scrunch together with his brow as he looks towards the past.

Painful. Unbearable. He looks towards the future and returns to his senses.]

Rest is the least you deserve, I suppose.

[Making no further effort to move from his seat, Hendrik watches the other man from across the garden room. He doesn't sense any hostility, even as Jasper squeezes his eyes shut and quietly stands there, but it is as difficult as ever to tell what he is thinking.

All he knows is that he is holding back.]

Were you looking for something?

Hardly. I was crossing through to my quarters.

[The lie leaves his lips without hesitation. He keeps his eyes closed to avoid a stern expression - as he imagines it - and inhales the floral scent of the garden. Indulging in a moment where there is no doubt or conflict.]

I did not expect to find you here.

I have nowhere specific that I must be. I suppose I decided this is a comfortable enough place for the moment.

[Does he need to expand on that topic? Obviously there are better things that he can be doing with his time, but he is allowing himself the time to settle and understand what is going on without feeling pressured to contribute.]

However, that is not what you meant. You were undoubtedly not looking for an encounter.

[The statement is one he cannot oppose; the argument close enough to the truth to make him glance aside. Fingers slide across his sides, seeking pockets beneath his robe. Unable to find them they perch on his hips in a false show of confidence.]

Indeed. I was looking for...

[He shakes his head. Was he searching for peace? He can hardly claim that with this man.]

Nothing, certainly. Not that I have much reason to look for anything.

[As the drowsy haze falls away from Hendrik's focus, he tilts his head in an unimpressed gesture at Jasper. Regardless of whether or not that confidence is real, he doesn't want to go without addressing it in even the smallest of ways.]

You are not making any sense. Not that your intentions have been clear for a long time.

[Jasper remains standing before a man who refuses to rise to acknowledge him. His expression sours: lips curl and eyes narrow. His nails dig into hips as he finds himself able to forget and forgive. It is a strange unknown - one that allows him to forgo his anger. He pulls over a second chair and meets Hendrik on his level.

What might he say? You make no sense. I ought claim the same about you. When was the last time you were clear about anything? His mind creates arguments his heart refuses to voice.]

Do you truly believe I hid my frustrations from you?

[Even as Jasper pulls up a chair so they are both seated in the garden, Hendrik watches him with a frown. What a kindness it would be, to say that he remained oblivious to this day. He takes a deep breath, sighing with an edge of impatience.]

You tried to have me killed, Jasper. Even before what occurred at Yggdrasil.

[The cold expression darkening his face shifts in acknowledgement - brightness in his eyes fading as he loses himself in old memories. Not to hide from the man he became but to acknowledge him.]

I know. I do not seek your forgiveness.

[He hardly desires to be forgiven. Nor deserves kindness, even. On the other? Kindness is all he needs.]

You should not be thinking of wanting my forgiveness as it is. I am still alive, and I can decide if those trespasses can fade with time.

[His hands shift, resting on the arms of the chair but turning upward in something of a clarifying motion.]

That was not a sentiment allowed for the people of Heliodor who died in the aftermath. Stolen always like the people of Dundrasil and my home country.

[Jasper lowers his gaze before closing his eyes. People died and cannot return except by the will of Yggdrasil. Their stolen lives colour his hands crimson like his eyes - but that comparison hardly matters. His humanity exists invisible below his skin and makes him wish he could scrub himself raw.

It almost stops him facing his current predicament. But those stolen lives draw his attention to the matter at hand.]

I understand.

[Not about the loss of his old countrymen. He understands not to demand his old friend ignores his feelings. He remains silent because what else is there to say?]

[He dislikes the stretch of silence that follows Jasper's succinct reply, sighing as he lifts his arms to fold them across his chest. It all feels rather uncomfortable, with the common garbs given by their hosts not made for withstanding the elements or a battlefield.

It is difficult not to dwell on the past when the atrocities Jasper allowed are still so fresh in his mind. But he knows he cannot simply continue getting angry at the other man for existing in the same space as him.]

You must be enjoying having so much new material to read.

[The sudden change in direction fails to surprise him. Hendrik is utterly predictable and makes him long to smile. It is also uncommon for him to fail to exhibit some enthusiasm for learning - but life is entirely predictable in its misery.

He reaches inside himself for a moment to find his passion. His proverbial hand returns with scraps of spirit that died beside him.]

Yes. It is a wonderful way to pass the time.

[His voice is dry and flat. He died. What should he even enjoy anymore?]

[It was a terrible attempt at changing the subject. Even given that, Hendrik cannot help but be displeased at the lack of effort Jasper seems to show in return. He turns his head away to instead focus on vines crawling up a trellis.]

Better than forcing yourself to sit across from a man you hate, I imagine.

[Very well then. An even better choice of subject.]

[Jasper sits with his back against the chair whilst bearing the weight of the world upon his shoulders. His shocked nerves are dead to that same world for far too long. He gently falls into a stupor - shocking himself awake when he jolts upright.

Fingers reach for where his pendant would sit against his chest, clenching around its imaginary shape when he realises its absence. His words are much as for himself than this man once hated.]

Not when I find myself admiring the man I hate.

[This strange world makes him long for the familiar - and right now that's this man he stopped hating moments before arriving.]

[Hendrik does not register the meaning behind Jasper's words right away; his attention does not snap back to him, but instead trickles like sand down an hourglass. His brows knit together in thought long before he utters a response.]

Hate and admire? That is a strange combination.

[And one he cannot make sense of, considering everything that has happened thus far.]

Yes. It confounds me so that I cannot answer.

[It disturbs him enough that he twists his hair around his finger. The gesture is common enough that he finds it comforting; he twines strands needing comfort more than ever. This need for his feelings to make sense pushes him to share words he sounds reluctant to admit.]

But I find myself incapable of hating you these days. Call it the realisation of a man brought to his knees.

[That's the lightest way he can put it.]

I see.

[He wants to believe that Jasper speaks true, even as he second-guesses himself. It would do his heart some good to believe in that small truth among questions and lies.

That mention of "a man brought to his knees" is perhaps what clinches the commentary for him. It is not something he can imagine Jasper uttering without extreme reluctance.]

You came to this realization recently?

[Jasper looks away in the same manner he had avoided showing emotion as a boy - by staring away from his problem. It does his heart no good but it affords his mind peace. Peace that has been a long time coming.]

More recently than I care to admit.

[Hendrik makes a quiet, restless noise at that, brows remaining knit together as he thinks over those words.]

So something happened shortly before you arrived here.

[The words come slowly, a distinct rumble of concern eking into his voice.]

[Words assault him. The statement drains colour from his face, nerves inside him trembling while he maintains an emotionless stare. It takes only a second for him to slump against his chair. Hands grasp the armrests and he makes his best attempt to look normal.]

In a manner of speaking.

[It was a situation that was certainly anything but normal.]

2/9; afternoon

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