standvastig | Abraxas Inbox

[Hendrik makes a quiet, restless noise at that, brows remaining knit together as he thinks over those words.]

So something happened shortly before you arrived here.

[The words come slowly, a distinct rumble of concern eking into his voice.]

[Words assault him. The statement drains colour from his face, nerves inside him trembling while he maintains an emotionless stare. It takes only a second for him to slump against his chair. Hands grasp the armrests and he makes his best attempt to look normal.]

In a manner of speaking.

[It was a situation that was certainly anything but normal.]

[With his thoughts churning with this new information, Hendrik could almost be forgiven for how his focus turns inward. But he cannot simply ignore how Jasper reacts to what he has said, his arms falling to rest back on the chair.

He bites his tongue on the most obvious question: "What happened?" He cannot simply take that question and expect to go anywhere with it, considering how closed off Jasper was the last time they had talked.

That resurfacing memory has him referencing their past conversation.]

You asked before that I not ask you about something. I believe it was about what happened to you.

[The statement roots him on his chair. It becomes a struggle to flatten his fingers and prevent them clawing the wood; eyes turn away to stare into space but he shuffles his feet. The particularily strong image of arms reaching up from the earth preys on his emotions - the feeling of being clawed by death itself.

His heart sinks in his chest, plummeting into the crater he made for himself. It takes him a moment to remember to breathe. He shakes his head to clear his throughs. A hand lifts to straighten his finger before he begins straightening his spine.

This foolish need to appear confident stopped being convincing moments ago. He refuses to stop hoping he appears well.]

Hendrik. Cease troubling yourself.

[His stern tone is an attempt to shut things down. But how can that work when he sounds afraid?]

[Silence. Closing himself off. Why is he not surprised? Jasper is distancing himself, hiding things from him -- just as their conversation had touched upon earlier. He finds himself folding his fingers together, locked in no small amount of thought as he fights the urge to let frustration win.]

Would you rather I forgot?

[In the end, he cannot keep it all at bay.]

I am sure that would be convenient.

It is hardly a matter of convenience.

[The accusation fails to ignite his temper as it might. His elbow leans against the armrest, fingers against the side of his forehead. He has wielded hate and deception to the point of causing pain. He hardly wishes to burden with troublesome news. But surely withholding the answer Hendrik wants is also deception?]

More a matter of having your best interests at heart.

[Much like the last time they had spoken, Hendrik clenches his fingers down in immediate reaction, frustration rearing its head. His fingers, still entangled, clench painfully as he stares hard at his childhood friend.]

You are intentionally trying to frustrate me.

[There is no way he cannot be. Best interests at heart? What an absurd thing to say at this point.]

[With one stern admission his lies are cast aside. Several moments are wasted mourning his inability to lie by omission - following that he lowers his hand and pulls himself upright. He fights to maintain dignity in face of sharing a harsh truth. Agonising seconds are spend weighing his options. Until then he hears the whisper of whether sharing his fate should be his decision to decide.

That makes it simple. Let Hendrik make the decision.]

Fine. Tell me what you want.

[Answers? An argument?]

[He is sorely tempted to allow himself to be petty in the face of Jasper's stubbornness, but that niggling concern keeps him from doing so. Instead, he turns a disappointed frown upon the other man, taking a moment to calm himself.]

No. You have made clear that you would rather have my ire than tell me your heart.

[How else can he describe what is going on with Jasper's logic?]

Saying ceasing my concerns is in my best interests is conceited of you.

[Jasper holds his tongue. Flashes of anger refuse to exist. His impassive face softens with increasing concern: emotions wobbling between sadness and confusion. Is the accusation accurate? In his heart he knows he is arrogant. It is the least detestable of his worst traits.]

I know.

[Words cease when he remembers. Dying. Passing out - the phrase helps him cope - without sharing his thoughts. His eyebrows lift and his mouth hangs agape. His heart races and his head shakes unwillingly for a second. He wants to control himself but he looks scared.]

Hendrik, I...

Edited 2022-02-10 20:03 (UTC)

[He doesn't know what happened to Jasper since the Fall, but the man before him now is far from the one he saw for the many years prior. He doesn't know what is a facade or what is real--not truly--but he has always known Jasper to fight to keep face, whether it be because of pride or self-consciousness.]

Why are you doing this? Have I not already seen you at your worst?

[It is a different than asking What happened to you? But it still strikes at his current lack of knowledge as to what would cause such a stark change in the man he had thought he had known for years.]

[How terribly still he remains in his chair. How terrifyingly imposing. He doesn't know whether to offer Hendrik what he wants or preserve the scraps of his dignity. One time the answer would have been obvious but what dignity is left to preserve? Is he even the same man after everything that has transpired?

He turns over his hands and looks at his pale skin; his entirely human skin. If Hendrik cannot recall him looking anything thus, then...]

This is nowhere near my worst.

[Silence. Hendrik finds himself unable to think of what to do with this new information, and he sits back in his chair, simply staring at Jasper. Though he cannot quite see his expression, there is such tangible tension that he knows that whatever he may say will affect where Jasper's mind will turn.

So he keeps quiet, eyes averted to a spot next to his old friend's chair. He waits for whatever else may be said in the moment.]

[Jasper sits in silence and dwells in despair. Words strangle his throat without leaving his lips; the truth a secret best shared another time.

He grits his teeth and steels himself. This is the right time. How disgusted with himself would his old self be? The harsh truth of his end is his doing. His old comrade and companion deserves the truth.

Why is sharing it this hard? Has he forgotten how to be honest? He growls in frustration.]

It is far too early to feel this miserable.

[This man is the same as that who approached him on his knees, yet...]

[Hendrik's eyes remain averted as he grunts, almost in agreement with that frustrated comment. It seems he is not going to get an answer if he waits.]

Indeed.

[He adjusts his hands to brace himself as he starts standing up, muscles stretching and bones popping as he rises to his full height. For a moment, he stands there and looks at Jasper in his practically fretful frustration.

Then he silently offers his hand.]

[The hand flies under his nose at first: his thoughts turned inward towards a shared past that led to this point. He shudders awake in a moment and notices the outstretched palm. A peaceful offering is more than he could ever wish for.

He looks down at his hands with thoughtful eyes. One twitches awkwardly at the symbolism: a peaceful offering without forgiveness. Now it is becoming far too difficult to lie. Trust this man to offer his hand without even hearing the truth.

Now. What to do?

His face looks towards Hendrik for guidance. Emotions twist and change his expression. Hope. Fear. Confusion. Depression. In a moment's decision he begins rising to his feet without assistance.]

One day. When I deserve it.

Edited 2022-02-10 23:54 (UTC)

[It is not easy to offer his hand, even knowing there is obvious stress and conflict churning inside Jasper. But if he does not offer his hand, who else will? He has doubts that anyone else will even see this much of Jasper, considering how long he himself has apparently been oblivious to whatever convinced him siding with the Lord of Shadows was the right decision.

So, when his hand is not accepted and Jasper instead stands by himself, essentially passing him by, Hendrik lowers his hand and steps to the side to leave the room.

"When I deserve it." If he really wanted his hand, he would have put away his ego and taken it. The only one holding him back is himself.]

Then I will see you around.

[He wonders if he will have the heart to keeping offering his hand until it is one day accepted.]

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